Understanding Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a change of heart,

a radical transformation of our relationship

towards people whom we have harmed,

towards people whom have harmed us and

towards ourselves, away from hatred and revenge;

guilt and shame; self-hatred and self-punishing.

To forgive is to stop justifying and indulging the emotions of hurt, anger, guilt, shame associated with the incident which evoked pain. When we have forgiven fully, we remember the incident and feel only compassion for ourselves and the other party for all the suffering and pain evoked and expressed in the incident.

To forgive is not to brush an incident aside and forget it. Pushing it out of mind is a suppressive measure and the grudge works underground and sabotages our lives in ways of which we are unaware. For instance, it may be that we have been hurt by an unfaithful partner. If we fail to work through hurt towards forgiveness, that hurt stays within us and prevents us from forming a new relationship out of fear of further hurt. It turns us into cowards.

To forgive is not to excuse. Often when we forgive someone we try to find an excuse for them. In our liberal society, we rightly point out that the unsocial behaviour of some youths is due to poor parenting, but still the youth must come of age and start to take responsibility for their actions. To accept mitigating circumstances may make it easier for us to forgive, but if excusing them is not genuine, but simply the way of avoiding trouble and demanding justice, then it will not dissolve the hurt we feel. Again, it makes cowards of us.

To forgive is not to condone. Just because we can forgive in our hearts the person who has us wrong, it does not mean we cannot ask for just compensation. To receive reparation should not affect the quality of our forgiveness, but what it does is to allow us to trust that person again. And in making the offering, the wrongdoer regains not only your respect, but their own self-respect. Similarly, if we have done wrong, then making such an offering can restore our own self-respect and respect in the eyes of the other.

Furthermore, if we confuse forgiving with condoning, we can feel that when we forgive someone, we are letting them off. This is often because we wish to punish the person. But punishment is not the same as justice. There is just recompense for any harm or damage done, but punishment suggest retribution and the nasty gratification of vengeance fulfilled.

There is also always the possibility of vendettas. A Chinese saying suggests that those who seek revenge should prepare two graves. The rationale underpinning punishment is that the suffering imposed will be such as to make the wrongdoer think twice before doing such thing again.

Therefore, punishment is not concerned with recompense or justice. It is concerned with frightening the wrongdoer. Hence, there is no punishment that fits the crime, only the punishing pain that will stop the wrongdoing. So, the suffering inflicted must be more than the crime is worth.

That is why punishments such as cutting off a hand for stealing actually work. The crime simply isn't worth the risk. The question then is, are we prepared to inflict such suffering on an individual not as justice but as deterrent for the sake of an orderly society?

In the United States, the family of victims are allowed in some states to be present at the criminal's execution. Their sense of justice is not fulfilled which illustrates the problem with fear and hatred, they simply cannot be assuaged by revenge. A system of justice based on punishment will do nothing to alleviate our own hurt.

So to forgive is rather to transform our attitude from hurt and revenge towards harmlessness and compassion. Once this is our normal response to those who harm us, paradoxically, it takes away the need for us to forgive them. We can train ourselves that with the hurt, forgiveness arises spontaneously, even to the point no hurt is felt.

This is when the last vestiges of "me" have disappeared. For when that sense of "self" has gone, who is there to hurt?

Consider the story of a parrot seized by a bird of prey. The bird drops the parrot. Those around ask the parrot what it was like. It replies, "Just one bag of bones picking up another bag of bones".

Our training can take us towards the end of forgiveness.